Being a divorced parent, I am use to telling my boys goodbye. Goodbyes over the summer, spring break, and alternating holidays have been routine for me for 13 years. This time though, the goodbye is different. My twin teens took off for their Christmas holiday to Utah. They both went away, but only one is coming back. Cody has decided to spend the rest of the school year living with his dad.
I thought I would be bawling by now. I thought I would be an incapacitated wreck of a person, wandering around in pajamas all day. This isn't the case. Right now, I just feel numb. The reality of sending two boys out and having only one come back hasn't hit me yet. I just keep wondering why he would want to leave. The questions have been percolating in my brain. What did I do wrong? Could I have done something different? Why didn't I spend more quality time with him when I could have? Wasn't he happy here?
I know all those questions are self-indulgent emotional wrecking balls; personal instruments of torture for quiet, rainy days. He has told me that his leaving has nothing to do with me, or our family here. To an extent, I believe him. I know that teenagers have restless spirits. I use to be one. Believe me, if I had had somewhere to run during those years--I would have. But even more than the natural restlessness of adolescence, I believe in the genetic connection between a father and a son. As much as my blood courses through my sons' veins, the blood of their father runs in them as well. Despite my reservations about letting him leave, Cody is feeling the primitive pull of relation.
Who am I to keep a boy from his father?
But what has his father done to deserve him?
I don't have the emotional capacity to contemplate those questions right now. Like I said, I'm numb. At least the weather is doing it's job in reflecting what I should be feeling. Another storm front is moving in and there will be heavy rain for the next few days...
