Seriously though, I know many people are really having a difficult time with job losses, pension losses, and election losses, so I don't mean to make light of true hardship. This is why I am offering up today's recession tip. And, as an added bonus, this is a Motherhussy Tried & Tested Recession Tip©.
Have you ever been to Target? Yes? Great! Then you know how hard it is to go in there with a list and only come out with what was on your list. You know, you go in for toilet paper, bleach, Children's Tylenol, and Market Pantry fruit snacks and you come out with:
- toilet paper
- bleach
- Children's Tylenol
- Market Pantry fruit snacks
- silver hoop earrings
- a really cute set of stationary made on recycle paper
- Archer Farms pasta kit
- melamine plates with monsters on them
- AAA batteries
- Baby Wordsworth DVD
- new pillowcases
- three Mossimo tank tops
- silver mesh pencil cup
- two packs of pink Marshmallow Peeps
- squeezable Mayonnaise
- black fishnet tights...
Okay, your list might not look exactly like this--but don't lie your face off, you know what I'm talking about. When it comes to Target you're like a porn addict at Adultcon. You can't control yourself. You go in with money and feeling pretty good about yourself, and you come out sweaty, broke and feeling like you need a shower. Not that I would know.
Anyway, I digress. To solve this consumer conundrum, follow these simple steps:
1. Write your list
2. 20 minutes before you head out to Target, drink 1 liter of water, or your beverage of choice*.
3. Find a barefoot child between the ages of 14 months and 3 years. This part was easy for me because I have my own child of preferable age. If you are without child, borrow one. Make sure you get permission from the parent(s) first before borrowing said barefoot child, as getting arrested for kidnapping on your way to Target would defeat the whole purpose of today's recession tip. Now I know you're wondering, why must the child be barefoot? Wait for it...wait for it. It will all make sense.
4. Head to Target with list, full bladder, and barefoot child.
Now, pay close attention, because here is where it all comes together...
By the time you pull in to the Target, your bladder should feel uncomfortably full, but not quite unbearable. Put the barefoot child in the cart, don't forget to strap him/her in--a little cracked noggin is not part of this equation. Start your shopping.
About five minutes into your shopping trip, you should feel the tingly sensation of your bladder saying, "Hey there, you might want to stop in the restroom before you hit the lawn furniture." Ignore your bladder and continue shopping.
About 10 minutes into your shopping, your bladder will begin feeling a little like it's at the top of your throat and it will be shouting, "Hey stupid, get your ass away from the soy candles and into the restroom!" Ignore your whiny bladder and continue shopping.
Okay, now you're 15 minutes into your shopping and your bladder is so full you feel that if you blink too hard you will be the reason for the "Clean up on Aisle P!" announcement on the overhead speaker. Your bladder is screaming in tongues now, and you really are thinking this was a stupid idea so you decide to listen to your bladder and head for the restroom.
As you're heading for the restroom, you start to realize that you have to take the small child in with you. Well now, you can't take the cart in because there's that sign on the door, you know, the one that says, "No Merchandise Allowed in Restrooms." That one. So what are you to do? Take the child in with you? Well, this would be fine except the child is shoeless. Since you're a decent, God-fearing, germ-resenting individual, you can't possibly take a child into a public restroom without shoes. So there you are, full bladder, full cart, and shoeless child. What to do? I'll tell you what to do, make like Flo Jo to the check out, grit your teeth, and get the hell out of there!
Once you've checked out, got you, your purchases, and the barefoot child back into the car, head home and reward your soldier strong bladder with a much needed release. While you're seated, look over your receipt. Not too shabby, eh? See, I told you my method worked. You purchased what is on your list, and you may have even gotten out of Target so fast you forgot to buy some things. You know what they say, a purchase forgotten is a dollar found--or something like that. What? One of the items you forgot to buy was toilet paper and you were out before you left? Well, that's where the receipt comes in handy, now doesn't it?
See, I've got this recession thing all figured out.
Love,
MH-Dos
*If your beverage of choice is Vodka, please skip the rest of the steps and head straight to the E.R. to get your stomach pumped.
