Metaphorically Challenged

Okay, I'm a political junkie--I confess. Politics to me is like what fantasy sports is to all those people that obsess about fantasy sports, know what I mean? I watch cable news channels, listen to talk radio, check Rasmussen Reports almost daily, and read up on all the Props before I voted. Some may call that pathetic and boring, but I call it ignorance avoidance. Anywhoo, because I am such a political junkie, I have become familiar with all the stupid talking points and metaphors the politicians have been using as of late. I could bore you and list them all off, but instead I'm going to "focus like a laser" on just one, and give some possible alternatives that politicians could use that might spice up the political dialogue a little.

So, the metaphor I am so tired of hearing is one I'm sure, if you have even paid the slightest bit of attention to politics, you would recognize. Here it is:

"The economy is a car and the Republicans have driven it into a ditch."

Now, the above point can be argued, but I'm not here to prove my political leanings. Because the Democrats have been the party using that statement the most, I will offer alternatives for their point of view--just to show that I am capable of reaching across the aisle.

Here are some alternatives to the whole economy/car/ditch metaphor:

• The economy is a cake and the Republicans haven't put enough leavening agent, like baking soda, in the batter so now the cake isn't rising. We Democrats need to discard that cake completely, and make a new one with a recipe from Rosa Luxemburg's "Cooking with Communism".
• The economy is a ficus tree that the Republicans have over-watered, now the leaves are curling and we, the Democrats, have to administer Miracle-Gro, Bonsai pruning, and plant resuscitation in order to keep the ficus from perishing.
• The economy is a chick in a bikini, and the Republicans have kept her in the sun too long and now she's got a terrible sunburn. It's up to the Democrats to keep her indoors and apply aloe vera to her blistered epidermis until she is a healthy, pale pallor again.
• The economy is an Eames era antique oak coffee table that the Republicans bought from a local boutique. Instead of treating the coffee table with teak oil and using coasters, the Republicans have been setting their scotch on-the-rocks directly on the table leaving horrible water stains. It's up to us, the Democrats, to sand out those stains and re-treat the wood; restoring it to its original splendor.
• The economy is a muddy ditch. The Republicans got drunk on Gentleman Jack and drove a 1972 Ford Pinto into the ditch, ruining the natural filth that is the ditch. It's up to the Democrats to pull the car out of the ditch with an awesome tow truck that's got hydraulics, roll bars, and flame decals. Once the 1972 Ford Pinto is out of the ditch, Americans can bath nude in the muddy ditch while smoking illegal cannabis. Kind, duuude!

Alrighty. That's all I've got for now. The above metaphors should come in handy for you folks the next time you find yourself in a political discussion about the economy. Keep in mind, the political parties are interchangeable within the metaphors--so go buck wild and blow minds!

Next time, I will discuss the quandering question: Who, if not the taxpayers, will pay for Nancy Pelosi's private jets, tailored pantsuits, and ever-obvious plastic surgery now that she is no longer Speaker of the House?



Stay tuned...