It's In the Contract Beyotch!

Whilst searching for some valuable account information stored on my computer's hard drive, I came across this contract I created for Anthony prior to the 2006 volleyball season:

Charise M______

Redondo Beach, CA

June 10, 2006

Anthony M______

Husband

M______ & Co.

Redondo Beach, CA

Dear Anthony:

It has been brought to my attention that you, Anthony (aka: Husband), would like to volunteer coach for Carolyn’s hot chick volleyball players this fall. I understand that this is a fulfilling position for you, as well as a nice break from the boys for me. However, in order to permit you to fulfill the role of volunteer coach, you need to fulfill some husbandly and fatherly conditions as well. Below you will find the terms and conditions that will free you to volunteer coach for Carolyn’s hot chick volleyball players. Please keep a copy of these conditions for your records and return a signed copy to me.

1. Dates of games and tournaments must be presented to me, the Wife, within a *reasonable time frame. *Reasonable= Let me know at least five (5) days ahead of actual game/tournament date, or print me a damn schedule from the internet. Schedule notification conditions are mandatory every year that Husband desires to volunteer coach for Carolyn’s hot chick volleyball team.

2. Previous to any game or tournament (or at least twice a month), the Wife must be taken out on a date that lasts at least one hour. Date must consist of an activity outside of the house, and costing more than $5.00. After date sex is not mandatory, but is encouraged. Date night conditions are mandatory every year that Husband desires to volunteer coach for Carolyn’s hot chick volleyball team.

3. Previous to start of volleyball season, you must take *The Family on a family vacation. Family vacation must consist of at least two nights out of town, preferably somewhere with a pool. Family vacation excludes staying at any relatives homes and also excludes funerals. Family vacation is mandatory every year that Husband desires to volunteer coach for Carolyn’s hot chick volleyball team. *The Family = You, Wife, Cody and Colton.

4. Husband is to understand if Wife does not want to watch all volleyball games/tournaments. It’s not that Wife doesn’t like Carolyn and her hot chick volleyball players; it’s just that sometimes Wife needs time to watch Sex and the City and not be disturbed.

5. In relation to Condition #4 above, Husband is to take Cody and Colton to as many games and tournaments as possible. If this condition is restricted by Coach Carolyn, then so be it. But, when permitted, Cody and Colton will join Husband on coaching ventures.

6. If Coach Carolyn comes across any size 6 shoes, she is to save them and present them to me, the contract writer (aka: Wife). This condition is not mandatory, but is encouraged.

7. If Wife unexpectedly becomes pregnant, the above terms and conditions may change drastically. Husband agrees to be understanding and not resentful.

8. In addition to above listed conditions, Wife would like a new book case for the front room. The book case is mandatory and not at all negotiable.

If any of the above listed conditions are not met, contract is null and void and Husband risks forfeiting his position as volunteer coach for Carolyn’s hot chick volleyball team. He also risks getting kicked in his goodies.

Sincerely,

Charise M______

Wife

ACCEPTED AND AGREED:

By: Date ________________________________________________________________

WITNESS:

By: Date _

I thought this was pretty clever of me. I should reintroduce contracts into our marriage decisions. Binding contracts with material stipulations. Yes, I am incredibly intelligent.