Friday, October 22, 2010

Being on the Bottom

Many of you who know me know I reside in the awesome Californication that is the South Bay. The South Bay is a beautiful little chunk of land that stretches from Santa Monica to San Pedro Bay. Geographically, this area is gorgeous--just what you imagine when you think of California: beaches, palm trees, sunshine, and happy people (mostly). A lot of people really love it here—I’m one of them. However, because of the many people living here, the population is pretty dense. And, like most densely populated areas, the South Bay is home to many apartment dwellers. I’m one of them, and this is my story:

Anywhoo, the apartment I live in is behind the landlord's house. (It's kind of like servants quarters, except I don't do anything for my landlord except pay her exorbitant rent. She, in return, puts a roof over our head. I guess you could call it a win-win.) The apartment we live in contains two residences, ours which is the ground-level unit, and our neighbors in the upstairs unit. So, we don't share common walls, but we do share common ceilings and it is these common ceilings that are driving me uncommonly crazy.

[Now, I'm going to get into too-much-information territory, but not graphic--so if you aren't in to reading about strangers’ strange strangenesses, or people’s gross ickiness, then you should probably stop reading now. Head on over to Nick Jr., I hear they have some wonderful online games, at least that's what Carter tells me.]

Okay, back to the common ceilings. Our neighbors above us moved in about five months ago, and for the first few weeks they were living above us I didn't have any complaints. But after that something awful started happening. The ceiling above my bedroom is the ceiling common with the couple upstairs. And, let's just say the couple upstairs has a very noisy bed. Yes, I know, you're all running away from the computer right now to throw up in some type of waste receptacle. Go ahead, I'll wait for you. Okay, done? Pansies.

I'll stop right there with the innuendos and just cut to it: MY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS HAVE SEX LIKE A MILLION TIMES A DAY! Seriously, a million. Okay, they don't really go at it that much, but I swear it's like three times a day I hear their shag wagon rattling away. It's so gross. They freak in the early morning (like four freaking a.m.!), then in the afternoon, and sometimes in the evening. They might do it more than this, but those are the times I have been unfortunate enough to be in my room sleeping, or on the computer, or something and hear their bed-creaking passion. In fact, as I type this, I think I hear the muted rhythm of Olivia Newton John coming from upstairs [let’s get physical, physical...]. Blech!

Here’s my conundrum: Neighbors who have a barking dog can be confronted. Neighbors that play their music too loud can be confronted. Neighbors that play Rock Band at two in the morning…well, you can call the cops on them. Neighbors that get it on A LOT in a noisy, noisy fashion--how do you confront that? It's not as if I can go up there with a wrench, knock on the door and say, "Hey there neighborin-o! I couldn't help but notice you have a bed with some loose joints. Mind if I tighten up those lug nuts for yah?" No. I can't do that. And legally, I can’t send up a plate of cookies laced with sexually repressing antidepressants. I guess there’s some law about poisoning your neighbors or something stupid like that.

So, what am I, as a bottom dwelling apartment resident with unsavory neighbors to do? I’ll tell what I’ll do: I’ll write a blog about it and share my suffering with the world. That's what I’ll do.

2 comments:

  1. okay. this posting needs a comment. my mom found your blog from my friends blog and she passed this post along to me because it was about the exact same story i told her a bit ago about MY south bay neighbor. are WE neighbors? :) i empathize with you. i got told that "although we are all really big fans of your music, we're pretty sure the neighbors didn't move here to hear live bands practice. (mind you this complaint came from my above neighbor who has noisy -but not so long lasting... i think this might be part of her uptightness problem). anyhow, that same neighbor had the nerve to complain again about another neighbor who is making "adult noises." this is where i draw the line. so i guess my point is, if i'm going to comply to their kind little notes about my music practice, and other peoples supposed adult noises, then it is completely in my right to leave kind little notes about theirs :) and maybe even a "i'm glad you're making love not war" bit. that is all. i'm sara, by the way :)

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  2. Hi Sara! Maybe we are neighbors, or maybe it's just something about the great weather and beautiful ocean that make people want to "get it on!" In the last place we lived, one of our neighbors had a garage band and personally, I loved hearing them play! I guess it reminded me of when my older brothers had a garage band growing up. :) Anywhoo, I would much, much, much rather hear musicians go at their music than couples just go at it. Know what I mean? Thanks for commenting!

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