Recently I've become aware of the fact that I am somewhat of a social recluse. It's funny because I don't remember when I became this way, or what exactly started my transformation from public participant to a self-made semi-shut in. I suspect maybe it has to do a lot with a change in lifestyle when I got married. A change for the better in so many ways, yet, a change that took me away from familiar faces and comfortable friends. People that have known me and been there for me for years are now miles and miles away. Of course, I keep a little in touch through the phone and that necessary social evil that is Facebook, but it's not the same as sitting down across a table from someone.
I've found myself pretty lonely lately. Not in a depressing, head in the oven, kind of lonely. More of a whistful, nostalgic lonely. I feel like the more I try to inject myself into the "social scene" around here, the more I want to just hold on to the memories of the people I use to spend time with.
Today I took Carter to the park. A bunch of the Baby-Mammas from church take their kids on Fridays, and I feel like it's an opportunity for me to work on my rusty social skills while getting Carter out of the house. I admit, I do like some of the Mammas. I don't really know any of them very well, which I guess is pretty pathetic after living here for over 6 years. But, anytime I'm with a group of them, I find myself bored to death and just wishing I were somewhere else. I don't know what it is about them, I guess they're just so positive, whole, and together. I like my people deep, damaged, and on the verge of insanity--like me. I know being around these people is supposed to be healthy, but when I hear them ramble on about the cute things their kids say, how their food storage is coming along, and church activities I can't help but feel nauseous. What is wrong with me? These people are genuinely nice people, but I just don't bond with them at all. Worse of all, I feel they have all bonded somehow and I'm the odd woman out. It makes me sad to not have many friends, but at the same time I don't find many of the people around me lately very interesting at all.
I need deep conversation. I want to talk to people about politics, philosophy, art, and life in all it's gritty details. I want to be able swear here and there without feeling like I'm going to melt off ears. I want to have people over and not worry that the walls of my apartment aren't plastered in stupid decals that say "Family" "Laugh" "Love" and that kind of vinyl manufactured affection.
I guess I should just go hang out at AA meetings. Those people are interesting.
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